Sunday, June 6, 2010

Ok. Bodybugg is back on my arm!

I know it's bad, but I took it off this weekend. I ate like a cow and today I felt HORRIBLE. I was sweating, hot, flushed and had a wicked stomach ache. This is my body's way of saying hello, wake up and get back on track before you end up in the hospital again!! In October 2007 I was in the hospital with pancreatitis. I was in intensive care for about a week and it was really bad. They aren't sure why I got it, but from all the research I've done, it was most likely the horrible eating habits I had. So, after that I changed my eating and was doing so well until I got pregnant. Now, going into the pregnancy I had told myself I would not eat any differently just because I was pregnant. I know you only need an extra 300 calories a day in your third trimester, but the first two you really don't need extra. Well..that lasted about a month, then it was game on with the "craving" foods. French fries, ice cream, name it, I craved it. Then I ended up with gestational diabetes (from the pancreatitis, being fat, and family history), so I stopped eating junk and was taking insulin. As soon as the baby was born and they told me the diabetes was gone, I was like I want something naughty!! A little chocolate, a little pizza..once again it was game on. My doctor sent me for a glucose tolerance test to make sure it was gone and it came back borderline. No big shock for me because half of my family has diabetes, I have been overweight since I was in first grade, and I have a history of metabolic syndrome and the pancreas issues. However, my doctor informed me if I lost weight ASAP, I would most likely avoid diabetes. Not to mention my high blood pressure would go away.
So even though I know I have high bp and borderline diabetes, why am I eating badly? I have done a lot of self searching the past few weeks and I honestly think I kind of know where my issues come from...which is half the battle, right? So here it is:
my dad left when I was 3 and my mom began using the motto "food is my friend" we ate. a lot. i got fat and my mom probably gained a little, but she was constantly dieting, so she did not gain tons. During most of my childhood, my mother was constantly making me feel guilty for little things. I do not believe she did this intentionally (I don't blame her..she is a great mom). She found out in 1989 that her Multiple Sclerosis had progressed and was spreading fast. From this point on the guilt trips increased...and once I moved out (at 17) to go to college it got even worse. When I moved 90 miles away to be with my husband in 1995, the guilt was at an all time high and I ended up spending the first five years of my relationship splitting time between then boyfriend and my mother. Sunday night-Friday morning I was with my husband and then Friday night-Sunday morning I was 90 miles away with my mother. When my mom was alone, she let me know it. Fast forward a few years and she is in a nursing home at age 49. I have many regrets and so much guilt about how everything happened and I know nothing I do could change anything but it doesn't make me feel less guilty. I now find myself carrying this over into my other relationships, especially with my husband. I constantly am saying I'm sorry and feeling like I have done something wrong, even when I know I have not. I notice lately when I binge, it is brought on by a small argument with my husband, or even him just saying or doing something that annoys me. It's like I am punishing myself with food.
Today I took my son to visit my mom and my grandma and aunts. When I was at my aunts house we were talking about losing weight and it was just a regular conversation and all of the sudden I started to cry. My aunt and uncle were like what's the deal and I finally told her how I was feeling. I think she was a little defensive because I think she thought I was trash talking my mom and my childhood. I was not. My mom is wonderful and I had a great childhood (other than being fat...) So they are the only people in my family to hear me say I have food issues...but I know that a good chunk of my family has food issues, so I can't say they were surprised.
Anyway. I feel like this may have been good for me and am ready to get back into the swing of things. I need to increase my activity. I have a gym membership and my son is in daycare so I need to get to the gym a few days a week while he is being cared for. I need to get my nutrition in order. I am annoyed with myself for not going to the grocery store on the way home to buy fruit and other healthy foods for tomorrow. So I will just have to do my best and maybe even come home for lunch.
I have no clue where this post was originally going because I have gone on and on...but I feel better now! I need to get to bed as I have to get up at 4 to get ready for work.

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