Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I have just been on a downward spiral with the binge eating. I am seriously considering going to talk to someone about it. I have been able to control it in the past and that is what is so frustrating to me.
I was watching Losing It with Jillian and I realized that losing even a small amount of weight can have a serious impact on my high blood pressure and borderline diabetes.
I was also realizing that I would do anything to protect my son...then I wondered why I continue to eat.
I cooked dinner tonight and made enough for leftovers. My goal for tomorrow is to eat every single meal either at home or bring it to work from home. No outside food tomorrow, except for my afternoon coffee (we get coffee every Thursday at work).
I need to re-adjust my attitude and get moving!! Calories In versus Calories Out. It's simple. So what is my deal!
I did start an activity log. I need to have it written down, in my face. Before I got pregnant, I was going to the gym 5 times a week and writing everything down. I need to get back into the habit of writing food and excercise down and planning my meals ahead of time!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Ok. Bodybugg is back on my arm!

I know it's bad, but I took it off this weekend. I ate like a cow and today I felt HORRIBLE. I was sweating, hot, flushed and had a wicked stomach ache. This is my body's way of saying hello, wake up and get back on track before you end up in the hospital again!! In October 2007 I was in the hospital with pancreatitis. I was in intensive care for about a week and it was really bad. They aren't sure why I got it, but from all the research I've done, it was most likely the horrible eating habits I had. So, after that I changed my eating and was doing so well until I got pregnant. Now, going into the pregnancy I had told myself I would not eat any differently just because I was pregnant. I know you only need an extra 300 calories a day in your third trimester, but the first two you really don't need extra. Well..that lasted about a month, then it was game on with the "craving" foods. French fries, ice cream, name it, I craved it. Then I ended up with gestational diabetes (from the pancreatitis, being fat, and family history), so I stopped eating junk and was taking insulin. As soon as the baby was born and they told me the diabetes was gone, I was like I want something naughty!! A little chocolate, a little pizza..once again it was game on. My doctor sent me for a glucose tolerance test to make sure it was gone and it came back borderline. No big shock for me because half of my family has diabetes, I have been overweight since I was in first grade, and I have a history of metabolic syndrome and the pancreas issues. However, my doctor informed me if I lost weight ASAP, I would most likely avoid diabetes. Not to mention my high blood pressure would go away.
So even though I know I have high bp and borderline diabetes, why am I eating badly? I have done a lot of self searching the past few weeks and I honestly think I kind of know where my issues come from...which is half the battle, right? So here it is:
my dad left when I was 3 and my mom began using the motto "food is my friend" we ate. a lot. i got fat and my mom probably gained a little, but she was constantly dieting, so she did not gain tons. During most of my childhood, my mother was constantly making me feel guilty for little things. I do not believe she did this intentionally (I don't blame her..she is a great mom). She found out in 1989 that her Multiple Sclerosis had progressed and was spreading fast. From this point on the guilt trips increased...and once I moved out (at 17) to go to college it got even worse. When I moved 90 miles away to be with my husband in 1995, the guilt was at an all time high and I ended up spending the first five years of my relationship splitting time between then boyfriend and my mother. Sunday night-Friday morning I was with my husband and then Friday night-Sunday morning I was 90 miles away with my mother. When my mom was alone, she let me know it. Fast forward a few years and she is in a nursing home at age 49. I have many regrets and so much guilt about how everything happened and I know nothing I do could change anything but it doesn't make me feel less guilty. I now find myself carrying this over into my other relationships, especially with my husband. I constantly am saying I'm sorry and feeling like I have done something wrong, even when I know I have not. I notice lately when I binge, it is brought on by a small argument with my husband, or even him just saying or doing something that annoys me. It's like I am punishing myself with food.
Today I took my son to visit my mom and my grandma and aunts. When I was at my aunts house we were talking about losing weight and it was just a regular conversation and all of the sudden I started to cry. My aunt and uncle were like what's the deal and I finally told her how I was feeling. I think she was a little defensive because I think she thought I was trash talking my mom and my childhood. I was not. My mom is wonderful and I had a great childhood (other than being fat...) So they are the only people in my family to hear me say I have food issues...but I know that a good chunk of my family has food issues, so I can't say they were surprised.
Anyway. I feel like this may have been good for me and am ready to get back into the swing of things. I need to increase my activity. I have a gym membership and my son is in daycare so I need to get to the gym a few days a week while he is being cared for. I need to get my nutrition in order. I am annoyed with myself for not going to the grocery store on the way home to buy fruit and other healthy foods for tomorrow. So I will just have to do my best and maybe even come home for lunch.
I have no clue where this post was originally going because I have gone on and on...but I feel better now! I need to get to bed as I have to get up at 4 to get ready for work.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Damn you pizza pizza!!

So I am apparently not in the weight loss mode yet. I have been trying and I did somewhat good today. Until dinner. Well. Until lunch. I made breakfast at home, which was egg whites, cheese and a wrap. Yum...I could eat this for every meal! Then I had sliced peppers for a snack and some pretzels. Lunch was shish-ka-bobs that I made yesterday...mainly veggies with 3 oz of steak and one serving of angel hair pasta(not white...but not wheat either). And someone brought bagels and left them on the lunch room table. Bagels have long been a weakness of mine. Basically anything carby...but there was a pumpernickle bagel in there and I ate it :( 370 calories with that and the one serving of cream cheese. So I was determined to continue eating good for the rest of the day, including dinner. I worked a 12 hour day today...I had to pick the baby up on the other side of town at my sister in law's house and then come home...I ate lunch at noon and by 650 I was absolutely starving :( So I ended up at little caesar's and ordered a $5 pizza. Then I ate 4 pieces, figuring they were small and thin crust and I was starving and in binge mode. 800 calories. and it isn't even awesome pizza. I am so frustrated with myself for stopping there. And I am upset that I binged (I don't purge...I just binge. Neither is better, but when I binge I just end up fatter). So...I am done with food for tonight and tomorrow will be a better day!! I really need to get my head on straight and just start eating better. I might start posting my food here for a few days so I can really be accountable for what I am eating. This can't be good for Mason either since I am breastfeeding him :( I must get this under control!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The beginning...

So this is my first blog. I'm kind of nervous! I am not witty or able to think of clever things to I am afraid this may be dull for some. I have decided to start a blog because one of my friends from high school has one and I read hers and it really keeps me motivated! I am also starting it so that I can be held more accountable with regards to losing weight! I just had my first child in February and since his birth I have gained about 15 pounds...and I'm breast feeding, so I think I was supposed to lose weight. Not good. So...I am back to where I was about 5 years ago weight wise. Not quite the heaviest I've ever been, but definitely a lot bigger than I've been (about 30 pounds bigger) for the past 5 years.
So I have my bodybugg on and I am going to write down what I eat and just try to move more! In the next few weeks I hope to get back to the gym, but I need to find out how much longer my membership is going to last!!
So I am going to set a goal to try and lose 10 pounds by the end of June. I am not sure if this is too high of a goal since I am still breastfeeding, but I know I am eating enough for myself and probably 5 babies, so I think I can swing it and still give the baby all that he needs!